I have decided to start a blog about the highs and lows of becoming a teacher in California and more specifically at S.S.U. because these past nine months have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I had no idea what was normal or expected of me.
(Don't worry, I won't recap you on the last nine months as that would take forever)
But I will start with today, May 21st, 2009.
Today I subbed in the computer lab at the school where I was doing my observation and also working a little bit with said class. I have really enjoyed being in there but often feel guilty because I don't know how to leave my personal shit at home. There is this guy (when isn't there?) who I have had a major crush on for about two years and at the start of last month he confessed that he liked me too...well we all know how that one ends. He had been giving me the run-around for awhile and so yesterday I ended our friendship, I took him off my friend's list on Facebook, blocked him on AIM and took his number out of my phone. It was really hard to do because I thought we were going to be something, how naive! Why would a guy want to be with a girl that likes him?! Weird right?! I don't know why this keeps happening to me or what I need to do to change it...but I haven't had sex since November and its really starting to become a problem. I'm sure he's been fucking tricks this whole time, laughing because I'm the girl he ran to when he was down and out, looking for emotional support. Anyway...back to the topic at hand...
Looking back on these past nine months, I have become a completely different person. I have been through so much and grown and changed and morphed and lately, I can't even clean my kitchen. I am so tired, not physically (but including that) just mentally and emotionally. Its hard to do so much growing in such a short amount of time...(they're called growing pains for a reason). Not only have I been going to school full time, working/observing full time I also have started to go to the gym in order to try and lose some weight (and according to my grandmother I haven't lost enough) but my cousin who is dating an ex-drug addict has...
After hearing that my grandmother is not proud of me I lost it. I just started crying and pretty much haven't stopped yet. I had a long talk with my father and he is my best friend. I love him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. My last week has been day to day and I have been doing worse each day that passes. I still don't have a free day in sight but at least I don't have class until 10 at night...but it is ironic that my apartment was cleaner when I was in class and then going to the gym after...who knows.
I know my roommate is pissed that the house is such a mess and I don't blame her, I just can't do it anymore. I'm drained. I wish I could just give up at this point. Just be done.
But at the end of the day I know that I am really strong. I know I have survived through worse but its been awhile and I can't imagine having to do this again but I know that this summer I have to do anything and everything that will help revitalize me because without that, I won't make it on my own...
On the teacher side of things:
Something that took up most of my energy this year was my battle with the lack of pay and the only reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to know you're not alone! Before I started the credential program it had always been a joke about how little teachers get paid. "You'll be taking a vow of poverty!" "You're sure to get into heaven because God loves poor people!" but I was okay with it, "I love the kids! My life is good! I'll make it" then came school...I always thought it would be no big thing because it was S.S.U. and I was a born teacher. As soon as I started I was dating this jerk (if he doesn't chase after you, lose him quick!) and going to school full time and teaching high school Spanish full time. I had three full time jobs lol And then school got hard (not the curriculum mind you, just DOING the work) and it took me months to realize what was going on...I honestly started mourning the loss of my youth, (time, relationships, etc) and how little I was going to be compensated for it and then I got scared...I'm single...how am I ever going to meet someone with this little time on my hands and if I don't meet someone...how am I supposed to support myself? then I got depressed...and I'm talking, seriously, down. Then, I made a decision, I decided to stay in California and help the students here. I was educated here and I feel a personal debt that I need to repay...but listen to this: You need to make this decision FOR YOURSELF! Go through this, you are not a selfish person!!!! work through it and be honest with yourself!!!! life will be better when you do and you will feel good about your situation!
Let me know if you need any help because I went through this alone and I don't want anyone else to!!
Much love! Without teachers, there is nothing else!!!
